kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
