I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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