Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
