I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
