I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think I sprained my soul last night
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
