Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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