Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I lost the right to judge tonight
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
