I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
