when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
