1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
