Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
