i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
