I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
