my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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