Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
