my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
