The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
