So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
