i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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