She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.