I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
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Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.