Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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