When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
