I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
