The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
