Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
