he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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