It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize