Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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