I cockslap morals
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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