if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He has the fingertips of a God
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