I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
