I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
