I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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