I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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