I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
