I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
