she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
