I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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