i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
