just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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