help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
