i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
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She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize