I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
