The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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