you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
