My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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