i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
