i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm like, not good at living.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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