my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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