You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
