I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
