um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Michael Bay diarrhea
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
